What?

"It's a healthy idea, now and then to hang a question mark on things you have long taken for granted." --Voltaire I've never seen the unknown as a healthy thing before in my lifetime. I enjoy security and the visible next steps across the ripples of living as I see the stones upon which I hop to cross a rushing river. I rather prefer carrying my pack filled with what I deem necessities across while traversing the obstacles that lie in the path of my desired destinations. Life doesn't allow a stone or a bridge to cross a divide and we're called to dive into the cold realities that carry us to new, unknown, and perhaps undesired locations. I've spent some time very recently in my rocking chair positioned on my porch thinking of the words of Voltaire and his, "healthy idea." I don't want to hang a question mark on my life or the lives of the ones that are so embedded in my heart that I couldn't shake them loose with all the tiny might I have within me. With the sound of the breeze blowing through the nearly barren field a block from my house and the sound of birds singing their songs of praise to the day I wrote four hand-written pages of those emotion filled treasures upon which that question mark was not welcome in my estimation. Then a new portion of that short statement took hold of my mind. Who and what have I taken for granted? I looked back through the list and with pen still in hand I made a mark beside each thing scrolled on that pad of paper representing all that has been, is, and hopefully will be dear to me. When I finished, I noticed that each line possessed its own check mark. Only by losing my footing on that slippery stepping stone and baptizing myself into a cold reality that robs one of his the breath within did I realize the power of Voltaire's wisdom. Hanging question marks was not only warranted, but necessary. The list, those four pages that seemed to be my possessions turned instead into a list of selfish entitlement that I did not deserve. Those words were now representatives of blessings that I am not promised, they were and are gifts if only for short times, and in Gods time. The last year of my family's life has been inarguably the most difficult one for the Stephenson team to endure. My wife Chrissy's father Lynn passed from this life after a long illness and much suffering and while bittersweet for the family, we knew he was restored to the perfection God created in him. Only a few months later a telephone call to our home on a Friday evening sent shockwaves through an already grieving family as Chrissy's mother passed away suddenly and without warning at her home. It didn't make sense to us. Helen and her husband Richard had just been with us for Christmas just weeks before. She had just beaten breast cancer, she was a survivor, and in an instant she was gone. I drove Chrissy to the airport and Caitlin and Connor and I flew to Kansas City a day later. The memorial was joyful because of her strong belief in Christ, but filled with tears and the knowledge that we didn't get to say, "goodbye." Just weeks later, Chrissy's Grandma called from Colorado to say that her Grandpa had passed away after a long and healthy life spent mostly on his farm in northeastern Colorado. It just seemed as if life was coming too fast and the bridge to the next steps in life was crumbling as we stood in the middle of it. For some reason, I took for granted that I'd see each of them again, and by faith we will. We were snowed in at home one day during a particularly uncharacteristic cold spell for our area in Texas when our ceiling collapsed and flooded our house. Fortunately I was the only one downstairs at the time and when the ceiling crashed down on me I heard Connor shout downstairs, "Dad! What did you do?" I didn't answer, instead I climbed from beneath a mound of soggy sheetrock and began to quickly assess the situation. Although not tragic in any sense of the word, I remembered muttering quietly, "seriously God? Seriously?" Although I knew God wasn't playing a cosmic game with us While moving furniture, filling buckets of showering water from the sky into our living room and bedroom I felt a sense of helplessness. I had always thought that life was supposed to be filled with the conclusions that I chose. Stanford psychologist Lee Cronbach wrote, "when we give proper weight to local conditions, any generalization is a working hypothesis, not a conclusion." My conclusions were not givens they were only the hypotheses that I hoped would end desirably for me and those for whom I care, or rather took for granted. The poet Alexander Pope once wrote a well known saying, "to err is human," and through the crucible of loss and trial, new places and new faces, I was learning to recognize my errors and have my hubris squeezed from me to make room for humility that was so greatly lacking in my life. I had control over many of my poor choices and errant steps, still there were those things beyond my control to which the only choice I had was my reaction and faith. A week ago I walked into the conference room at the church in which I was serving as the Senior Pastor. I had walked through those doors many times in the past year to sit in my seat at the head of the table as we conducted executive board meetings, committee meetings, interviews, and a variety of other activities. This time as I opened the door I knew it would be different. The same attractive conference table sat in the middle of the room surrounded by the comfortable and tasteful chairs surrounded it. I took my new seat and awaited what I knew would be the short agenda to commence. A few minutes later I handed to the those gathered a signed copy of my letter of resignation. An hour later my office was packed into boxes and ready to drive away from my parking spot in the lot for the last time. I had taken for granted that my spot at the table, in my office, and in the parking lot would be there until I created my new conclusion. I only had a hypothesis, ignoring some of the conditions, and missed yet another of the stepping stones I thought I owned. A new conclusion plunged me into the frigid waters of life. Perhaps I should've hung a question mark on that year of ministry that I had taken for granted. Something strange happened as I drove home in stunned silence along the route that took me home each evening, it began to rain. It wasn't a funny time for me, but I began to laugh quietly as my wife looked at me as if she needed to check me into an asylum. "What's so funny?" Chrissy asked with a more than quizical look on her face and tears in her eyes. "Every time I have ever moved anything during our time in the last year in my pick-up truck, it's always rained. Without fail, every time. I guess one thing is consistent lately," I said with what my wife calls my crooked grin. Pulling into the driveway the kids ran out the front door and saw the boxes and immediately knew what the meeting was about. Without words each of us unloaded the boxes into our garage and went inside to sit down to a family meeting about what was next and how everything was going to be alright. After all, God was, is, and always will be in charge. The meeting ended with a family hug, a hug I didn't take for granted. I had already begun to hang a question mark on those that I took for granted. I sat alone that night in a dark and silent house after everyone had gone to bed and pondered the rain that fell on my each and every move. Only God makes rain, and I had to think that God was showering me with the waters to remind me that even when His plan isn't the same as mine He still provides always. If those showers would nourish the land that provides our needs, my needs were, are, and always will be provided. My loving and gracious God is the only One upon whom I need not hang a question mark. Rather I must always examine the faith that I often take for granted, especially in the best of times. I pray now daily for the church staff, leaders, and members that I still love and miss already, that she will find the one who will lead them in a way that I couldn't and continue to flourish for many years ahead. I pray that God will show me the way across this next chasm to His destination for me and my treasures named Chrissy, Cait-Bug, and Connor (Rufus, as he likes to be called). And I echo the words of Brennan Manning that we all become ones that behold, "The dream of Jesus Christ which is the Kingdom of God, and the committed Christian buys into his dream." I'm now saving to buy plastic sealable rain-proof boxes for the next time I move. If you know of any bargains don't hesitate to let me know. I'm hanging a question mark on dry weather for the next time I load up boxes in the back of my truck. In the love of Christ. Amen and Amen.

A New Year, A Same Life

There's an imaginary line between 12/31/10 and 1/1/11.
Folks think that it's the, "Vegas," moment. What happened in 2010 happens in 2010. Try telling that to the couple having a baby in 2011. What about the one who lost his or her job in 2010. There are unresolved arguments and disputes that crossed that, "sacred," start-finish line. Memories abound, especially for those who believe that what happens in Vegas line.
What has the last year held for you, and what did you give to it? I believe that all of us have been given gifts and challenges during the last 365 days, and done great, good, and not so good things during the same period of time. How have you triumphed and fallen? Stumbled and sprinted?
Life happened during 2010, it was still happening when we woke up January 1, 2011.
After crossing that make believe border between '10 and '11, I needed to write a list to remind my selfish self of what a year brought me:

Sleeping in on the first day of 2010
coffee
breakfast
lunch
nap
dinner....
football games
baseball season
saying goodbye to an amazing congregation in Lubbock
learning to quit being arrogant all the time
seeing my Caitlin act and sing
meeting a new amazing church in Mesquite
learning not to like living in hotels
living in the home of a couple who have the gift of hospitality
discovering how good it feels to not be sick
lunches with new, old, and older friends
country music
TV
newly and formerly read good books
realizing how much I love Taco Villa and Orlandos
remembering how much I love El Fenix, Glorias, and Luby's
recalling how much running hurts when you love stupid restaurants
seeing generosity beyond belief
Dallas traffic...(wait, that's a different list for 2010, never mind.)
Dallas heat...(MAN!!! Sorry again, different list)
deodorant
finding a new dry cleaner
figuring out where to get my hair cut
Mesquite Barbecue
running more food off my widening self
a new home
a staff at church that took care of the new self appointed village idiot, namely: Rochelle, Carla, Betty, Eileen, Amy, David, and Rocky
getting past what may be the most disastrous Sunday service ever to be lead by said village idiot
counting my many friends that called to check in
my Mom and Dad who spent the last weeks with my wife and kids before they headed East
meeting my family at the Chicken Express down the road to lead them down Ranch Road when after a few months away, and our first night together and watching the kids run upstairs to their new bedrooms smiling ear to ear
Seeing Connor play football at SMU and at the American Airlines Center and watching him on the jumbotron in the stadiums
getting to be with Chrissy and her family as we said goodbye and honored my Father-In-Law Lynn at his heavenly homecoming
Not completely sawing off my leg with lawn equipment
spending Thanksgiving with the Chrissy's family, and Christmas with Chrissy's Mom and Step-Dad
Families Names like: Honey, Dad, Uncle Clint, Aunt Chrissy, Mom, Ami, Granddaddy, Grandpaw, Granny, Papaw, Aunt Melissa, Aunt Rachel, Aunt Vallie, Uncle David, Uncle Cody, Uncle Brian...
Seeing my grandmothers, Manna and Nannye
Knowing I've been loved more than I deserve, with the chance to love back just as hard.

At the end of my list I know something. You can pull out of one driveway, pull into another, and the One who was standing with my loved ones while I drove away, was waiting when I drove into the new driveway.

Then I realized, God was with me in the whole journey, as He was with you.

As always, I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I know He holds tomorrow.

I just have to believe that God looked at me many times in the past year and thought as a friend once wrote to me in my bible:

"Hey Bonehead! Remember God loves you!"

Yes He does.

It's a new year, but the same life and no matter what tomorrow holds it's a good life. He's already there.

Postscript:
I originally posted the following words on New Years Eve, but Used Toy Store showed no post. The post showed up today. I share the first draft with you as well showing an unnatural devotion to TV, food, family, and well, food. No wonder Chrissy bought me a new suit last week.

2010 Thanks for...

Pork rinds on long road trips
pickled sausages on long road trips
long runs to run off above said crap I ate in the last year
a church I loved and will always love
a church I love and will always love
my guitar when I was alone
TV
Luby's
Taco Villa
watching Connor play football
watching Caitlin sing
not being able to completely saw off my leg with a hedge trimmer
sleep
my new friends, my old friends, and those who are so crusty they help saw off my rough edges
the books I've read this year
El Fenix
Not being arrested ever
ESPN Sports Center
Waffle House
Must again mention running so as to make sure Waffle House doesn't own me
The day my family showed up to our new home in Forney
My Truck and my dog Sammye
My cool office chair
Air conditioning!!!
Listening to my kids laugh
Thanksgiving with the the Doyle's and Moore's
Seeing my parents come to our home for Christmas evening
Seeing my brother David and his wife Melissa bring their kiddos, James and Sam to Forney to see us
My greatest blessings, my family.

Did I mention pork rinds? Oh, yeah I did.

2010

Lynn

My Father-In-Law, Lynn, was an amazing man who taught me much about faith in God. He underwent many challenges in his life, yet never questioned the love of his Savior. Many people have asked if he had been ill. He had been sick for quite some time. When my wife Chrissy was in high school in Crandall her father was in an industrial accident that left him with 3^rd degree burns over 90% of his body. He was taken to Parkland Hospital where he stayed for nearly a year. The doctors told the family that he would surely not survive such a trauma. They administered an experimental drug that helped his recovery but left him completely deaf. He developed a staph infection during this time as well that would plague him for the rest of his life. Although he was not given any chance of survival, he surprised everyone and eventually was able to live as a self sufficient man.

The first time I met Lynn I had recently begun dating his oldest daughter and I learned that I was going to have the chance to meet him. I really liked this girl and wanted to make a good impression. Chrissy had told me the story of his accident and subsequent hearing loss, so I did what any genius would do. I walked to him shook his hand and yelled, “HELLO MR. GUERNSEY, I’M CLINT STEPHENSON AND I’M DATING YOUR DAUGHTER!”

He looked at and said, “I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.” Thus beginning our relationship in which I’m sure he hoped his daughter would find someone with an ounce of brains. I'm not sure I ever fully recovered from that initial meeting

Several years ago Lynn was diagnosed with Parkinson ’s disease and with each visit we could see the effects of the disease on his body. Every January he would come and stay in our home with us for several weeks and with each visit we could see there was less and less of him. Yet he continued the practice I had seen him do each day on each visit. He would sit at our kitchen table for hours and study his bible. He never failed to attend church with us, and when he was at home although he couldn’t hear what was happening he knew that being in the company of other Christians and being in worship was vital for the believer. Someone teased me in the hallway that he was probably blessed that he never had to hear me preach.

Last year a great blessing occurred when Chrissy and two of her sisters were able to take him on a dream trip for them all to Ireland. The girls took turns pushing his wheelchair from castle to castle and site to site. Being with his daughters probably meant more to him than seeing the beautiful country. I know this will be a memory never forgotten or undervalued bythem.

Through all of his troubles I never once heard him complain.

At his funeral my daughter Caitlin sang a song, “This Is My Temporary Home.” I was about to preach the funeral message as I listened to her beautiful voice sing powerful words when I realized that this was the first time he ever got to hear his granddaughter sing. He was well. Although we’ll miss him as we said, “goodbye,” all of us knew that because of his faith in our amazing Lord, he went home, and by faith we’ll see him later. Maybe next time we meet I’ll remember not to yell.

So, thank you Lynn for allowing me to marry your daughter, my best friend. And thank you for teaching me more about faith than I’ll ever be able to teach in a lifetime.

Fear and Triumph

I learned years ago that fear can completely paralyze us. I learned it from a four foot ramp built for jumping bicycles. It seemed like it was the highest thing that you could possibly launch a two wheeled vehicle from into the great abyss of nothingness. I sat on the seat of my bike watching as my friends made jump after jump from that wooden monster feeling like I couldn't.

After being taunted by boy after boy I decided action was necessary. I aligned my flying bike in the right place, took a deep breath and started peddling toward the ramp. I still remember my heart pounding, my mind racing, my instincts taking over as I went up the ramp. Then I did the stupidest thing that you can do. I hit the brakes.

I skidded up the ramp until at the top the bike flipped off the end of that ridiculous wooden ramp and I landed on my face at the bottom. Boys can't cry in front of their friends no matter how much blood you spilled, how bad you hurt, or how embarrassed. So I went inside our home and sat on my bed leaving my bike and hurt feelings laying at the bottom of the ramp. It was that day that I learned how you stare down fear.

It was that particular event that taught me when you are afraid of something you can own it or it owns you. Those are the moments that make you or brake you. It was then I learned that when things scare you it's time to try it again, and do it better the second time. So I rode at the ramp and didn't hit the brakes, landed on the other side terrified but triumphant.

Years later I stood at the bottom of an old telephone pole on a ropes course feeling the same butterflies I felt when I was a child looking at the bike ramp. It wasn't pretty, graceful, or courageous looking as I made my ascent to the top of the pole, but the victory is in taking each step when you're scared to death. Ramps and used up old telephone poles don't get to beat us.

In life, the things that scare us deserve for us to stare them down and beat them, and when we land at the other end we're triumphant. Our Savior prayed in a garden that there was another way than the path that led him to the cross, and in the end, he owned our sin and shame on a wooden cross that could not conquer him. Thanks be to God that on the other side, because of His Son's courage, we end up triumphant.

A Simple Wink

I heard from a friend, "We're our own best critic."

As I sit in the sanctuary on Sunday morning, fretting over my ability to communicate a good sermon I do several things. I pray the same prayer silently, just as a baseball player has his normal, perhaps superstitious routines that make you feel right about what you're about to do. I look at the congregation to remind myself that someone especially needs to hear the message that day. I remind myself that someone out there doesn't know how much God loves them.

Then...

I look at my son Connor. He always winks at me.

I asked him a couple of years ago why he winks at me during the church service, and with a bit of annoyance he answered,

"Dad... Everytime I ever went to bat on the baseball field I looked at you and you always winked. It means you can do it. When I struck out I looked at you and you always winked. It means it's okay." It's amazing how much I can learn from my children.

It was then that I began to see the sunrise as God's wink. God telling me that no matter how the day goes He tells me His love and grace is for me.

It's amazing to imagine, but a wink that is so easy, is so powerful. One wink from a 10 year-old boy that I happen to love can drown out all the critics, even the one in my head.

Wink.

Best Friends

I learned about friendship in many ways, and all of them were good. No, they were great.

I've had several best friends throughout my life that have shared love, laughter, tears, sorrow, and triumph with me over many years.

I hear my daughter talk about bff's and watch her text message them on her phone and her computer through facebook. It made me think about my best friends throughout my own life, what they mean to me, and why friendship is important. Maybe even more than important... Vital.

I suppose that I met my first best friends without even understanding it. My Mom and Dad loved me unconditionally first, without understanding or comprehending how much they loved and cared for me. I'm sure that in the midst of their love I didn't realize how I created smiles, tears, frustration, and pride in their heart and soul.

When I was 5 years old I met another best friend, his name was Cory. I didn't understand at the time what friendship meant, I just knew how it felt. Cory died when we were 5 years old in a car accident. It didn't make sense to me, but how would it make sense to a 5 year-old boy, but I guess I learned what it meant to have a friend and learn about loss and perhaps grief.

That same year I met another guy that is a best friend. My brother David was born that year. I used to frustrate those parents of mine by figuring out had to drag a chair to his baby bed and pull him out of it so I could spend time with him. He was born eight days before my birthday, and couldn't think of a better birthday present. Well, the swing set I got and the backyard birthday party was better at the time, but I learned it was secondary to the baby in the house and in my heart. He continues to be a brother, best friend, and a source of unconditional love and acceptance.

I met Trey in Junior High School. He became another best friend. We did all the things that teen aged boys do that parents don't need to know about, but that we still laugh about and pray that our children won't do like we did. We went through girlfriends, heart ache, High School, College, and beyond. We shared an apartment that was disgustingly marked with the sign of single young men trying to figure out who they were. We had more fun together, fought with each other, and fought those whomever messed with either of us.

On August 13th of 1993 I met a new best friend. I didn't realize it at the time, but Chrissy would be the best friend of my life, and would become my wife. I loved being with her, sharing my deepest secrets, fears, and victories. The heart doesn't explain to our minds what love is, it just fills our spirit so full that we can't imagine how we don't burst. She introduced me to two young ones named Caitlin and Connor that showed me further how your heart can stretch further than you can imagine it ever could. Chrissy recently reminded me that, "home," is wherever WE are. She is so right that being at home with the best friends in life is one of the greatest blessings ever.

Whenever I sing the hymn, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus," I'm reminded that I met a friend, better yet, a Savior in the midst of life. To realize that Jesus is a friend is an amazing, awe inspiring, humbling, knee buckling, heart filling event in life. Many of my friends don't realize that Jesus not only loves us, but He likes us as well. This friend of mine, has seen EVERYTHING I've ever done, heard EVERYTHING I've ever said, and know EVERYTHING I've ever thought. He still loves me and has never walked away from me. When I've turned my back on Him and His ways, there He was right beside me.

Lord Jesus, make me the friend to those around me, as you've been the friend to me who gave everything to make me know your love.